My three jokes

My kids tell me that I only know three jokes. In think that is a significant exaggeration, but I think it is fair to say that there are three I tend to reference a lot.

In fact, these jokes are so embedded in family lore that we all now just reference the punch lines and that is as good as having told the whole joke.

So without further ado, here there are, in no particular order…

1) A pig that good…
A traveling salesman was visiting a farm one day and he saw a happy little pig doing his best to get around with three regular legs and one carefully fashioned little wooden leg.
The salesman said to the farmer, “That is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. What happened to that pig?”
The farmer said, “Yup! That is one fine pig. A few months back, I was in the barn and it caught fire. A beam fell down and trapped my leg. That pig rushed in through the flames and pulled me out.”
“Amazing!” said the salesman. “And so that’s how he lost his leg?”
“Well,” the farmer said, “a pig that good you can’t eat all at once.”

2) …Nearly killed ‘im
A boy went to school on Monday and his teacher asked him about his weekend.
“It was terrible,” the boy said. “My dog was in the street and a car came by and hit him right in the butt!”
“Rectum,” the teacher corrected.
The boy retorted, “Rectum nothin! It darn near killed ‘im.”
Note that this particular punch line made an appearance in a handwritten addition to the Father’s Day card from my 19 year old daughter earlier this month.

3) For all the good these did me…
Continuing the scatological focus of joke #2.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him his problems. The doctor prescribes a suppository.
The man takes the medication and leaves the office. He comes back for a follow up visit two weeks later.
The doctor asks, “How is the medicine working?”
“Doc,” the man says, “they taste terrible. And frankly for all the good they did me, I may as well have shoved them up my butt.”

Special bonus jokes
There are a couple more jokes that have near legendary status at our house, so I’ll include them here as runners up. If any of the top three jokes are unable to perform their duties, one of the runners up will take their place.

First Runner Up – “Call who?”
This joke was actually created in our very own house by my lovely and talented wife, who most people would never suspect of such a thing.
We saw a TV commercial for a medication intended for older men who have difficulty <ahem> functioning. (speaking of which, get a grip old dude, time to get a new hobby) Apparently there is a side effect that can lead to the medicine lasting longer than 4 hours. The commercials tell us that if this happens, you should seek attention from a doctor.
“Forget the doctor! I’m calling a nurse!” <rimshot – thank-you-very-much-I’ll-be-here-all-week-folks>

Second Runner Up - “hey elephant, you wanna peanut?”
A little boy, who’d never seen an elephant before, went to a zoo. He walks up to the front of the elephant and says, “Hey elephant, you wanna peanut?”
No answer.
The boy says a little louder, “HEY elephant…you wanna peanut?”
No answer. So the boy decides he may be talking to the wrong end of the elephant. Slightly embarrassed he goes to the other end of the elephant and says, “Hey elephant, you wanna peanut?” 
To which that end of the elephant replies, “a phewwwwww”.
Now, I will admit, this joke is not all that funny, but when apparently when you start substituting other replies that end of the elephant could make, like “CERTAINLY” or “I suppose”, it becomes a laugh riot.